I'm A Bitch,

I love you.

I hate yesterday. I feel like getting banged by some car on the road last night. I really hated it. I wonder how death feels like, it must be wonderful. I seriously hate myself I hate my life I hate everything about me.

Pshh like what you said, no one even cared. Because they're sick and tired of me, of my bullshit. I'm such a fucking bitch. I'm so hard to handle, so unpredictable and yeah no one really bothered to care, not anymore.

So what. Had been tearing up these two days and honestly I fucking hate it and I don't know why the fuck I'm such a fucking crybaby who doesn't know the fuck to control her emotions well. I suck and I'm really sorry about all these vulgarities on my blog again.

Yeah I really thought I can get banged by car and maybe someone pushed me down this floor. So that everyone can live in peace like finally w/o me this bitch in their lives. They feel it's a burden and a 'must' to bother about me. I hate this fucking feeling of being nothing to someone who I love with all I have. It just sucks. A battlefield. Hah fuck shit, I really felt a big ouch in my heart and I don't know what to do and who to talk to.

I'm the cause to all of your troubles. And now I feel so fucking hopeless and totally pathetic, please don't talk to me because you pity me but because you actually cared, for real. Because we shouldn't have talked about it. I shouldn't have went to that party. I shouldn't even have appeared. And now I feel like somehow we're drifting apart why are we drifting apart? Or is it just that usual mini distance we have each time and then we'll go back to normal again like what we always do before. I really hope it's the second one.

I don't know I'm sorry. My mind's in a complete mess. I don't want anything from you. I just want you to be by my side, doing nothing. NOTHING. It'll be the best thing in the world already. It would be good enough, in fact all I could ever wished for. Just be by my side, that's all I need that's all I want that's all I could ever ask for that's all. Is it too much to ask for? You doing nothing there is already good enough for me.

Oh fuck what is wrong with me. I shouldn't even be in this life; I don't deserve to be in this world, at all.

I cried, because there's just too many thoughts and things running thru my mind. Those nightmares are back in my head again and I was afraid. I need you. I was feeling horrible too but I kept silent because it's not my day and the last thing I'd do is to ruin it. Idk I felt so horrible quarrelling over with him over such minor trivias again. Jealousy kills, hah real bad. Like when you came into my life recently, both of us quarrelled more. 'Always think positively, the brighter side of everything anything' = That's what made us stronger. Okay I'll believe that again. And again and again.

I'm sorry to make you cry. And I know it's all my fault. I'm not blaming you or anything. I'm not upset with you, I never was. So please I beg you, I can swear my life to you it's not your problem, it's mine. Because I feel that I'm never good enough for you.

I love you. And I'm sorry. I hope this darkness can just quickly pass us by because the hole in my heart is seriously dire and fucking painful.