Saudade,

Hey guys I'm back on again after these two days hoho who gives a shytz. Anyhoo spent 161110 @ MarinaBaySandsSG cuz my dad has free room there, and they said since it's his bday so why not? :) Not posting pictures that soon - I'm not sure if I should/would & they're hella lot.

Jaslyn Yikheng Yufan came to my place just now around 3.40 - 10.15. Yeah it was alright haha something to keep things outta my mind once in a while :) Dinner with them at TP.

Ever had this feeling of wanting to burst out crying (but you can't) and knowing no one can ever help you?

Ever had this feeling of this fucking word called 'saudade'?

Yeah fuck those feelings hardcore cuz nobody likes them, that's a THUMBS DOWN to you two 'things', shame on you I hate you two feelings oh goddamn you ): !

So is this it? Because I hope not I pray not I wish not I kNOw not. It's so frustrating and disheartening to read and know such things. It's so hard for me to absorb them and not think about it at all. Of course it'll be in my mind haha why wouldn't it be. But why won't you and the rest understand that I will not think of things too much already. I really did change, in my POV. Because if I hadn't change, why would all these happen to us? ):

Nobody wants this to happen and I guess the reason to having this fall out and (unwanted) awakwardness between us for happening is, me. I shouldn't have started all the muddafreaking pointless 'jealousy' matters out. I'm such a freakass why am I ever borned into this world.

No, don't tell me "Don't think of things like that la." "No you're not!" and etc. Please don't. Because I bet even a blind could see that yes, it's because of me. I guess it's true that we love each other too much already that's why we don't want us to get hurt in any possible ways, so you think parting ways is the best solution

But no, I don't think so and I never thought so. In fact the more we part, the more we feel empty. And no, girl, I cannot live happily w/o you. Haha fat hope laa. I mean hell to the no, cuz I might be 'happy and smiling and laughing and having a good time' but trust me, from the bottom of my heart, it is 'hell goddamn where is she I need her with me'

Why can't we just love each other lesser so we could just forget the world and be with each other together again? I know I can, what about you?

Just tell me the true reasons behind the question why we cannot be like what we were back then, or why we cannot at least be like the relationship you have with the rest like jingyuan tricia (just saying haha really no other meanings behind serious.)

Why? I really need an honest and straight answer to that because we will never go far without it. Unless you can swear you never liked me before, you never thought our friendship was ever worth fighting for or cherished.

Because what we had was like a wonderful lalaland girl.

I always wonder, why others always claim and tell everyone they love you but I can't. Then I realised, maybe you just don't feel the same way as me.. Sometimes reading all these make me wanna just fucking jump down a tall tall building because I know nothing & no one can save me from all these mess. I just hope + want things to be smooth and good. Is that so hard to wish for? Why they can and I can't? Is there something wrong with me